problems

So one hour before we're scheduled to leave town this evening for a camp starting tomorrow, I recieve word that we're not going until 6:00 tomorrow morning.  What am I supposed to do with that?  I guess I could go back to the unfriendly hostel and pay my twelve dollars for six hours in bed, maybe that would be the reasonable thing to do; I'm certainly not saving any money being homeless this week, I've been laying out left and right for marathon internet stints and compulsive foodstuffs.  I went to the hostel but found that Max isn't there tonight so I walked away:  I just hate the way the proprietress looks at me.

The truth, I think, is that I still desperately want someone to rescue me.  Someone to tell me it's alright, to take my life in hand for a minute and remove this overwhelming responsiblility of self-determination.  My dad offered to help me buy a ticket home, though I do have enough credit to buy it myself. But I have no idea what I'd do there, except sink into lethargic rescuedness.  I remember getting into town from a camp three weeks ago and calling my couchsurfing host for that week; he unexpectedly offered to meet me at the bus station, and I didn't tell him that I knew my way around and would be perfectly capable of finding his place on my own.  As I waited for him to come rescue me, I felt a dimming of my peripheral vision, a surrender to helplessness which lasted for the entire four days of my visit.  I wanted Max to rescue me tonight, even though I don't know what he could really do: let me stay for free surrupticiously?

I need somewhere to go back to each night where I don't feel bad, plaza del congresso doesn't fit the bill, neither does the internet cafe in Once, neither does the hostel, neither does this internet place.  I hope I get the textbook solution editorial job I interviewed for today, because then I could afford a room.  Maybe I really do have to live alone to get over this helpless shit.  As I told the pretty, drunk girls at the hostel last night: I would be happy to paint your nails and bake you bread all day.  As I didn't continue: as long as you can tell me where to live and what to do with my life right now.