My passport

I did lose my passport the other day, and it was kind of related to homelessness, but only mentally, I would have fought for that shit if given half a chance, but here's the story.  I was spending a lot of time in a certain 24 hour internet cafe, possibly thinking of it along the lines of a place that could be mine, as I am desperate for one.  Anyway, I got into a less-than-careful habit of going to pee without taking my bag with me.  I didn't even notice when I came back and my passport wasn't there until I was packing up to leave.  This story is stupid AND boring.  I got a police report saying it was stolen, which is one of the bureaucratic items I need for a replacement.  I lost at the same time: my headlamp, debit card (now cancelled), insulin, primary blood test kit, 100 pesos, and a nice collection of coins (which are very hard to get sometimes down here).

My lifestyle

Right now I am homeless.  This has been partially mitigated by my work sometimes in short, residential camp programs.  It has also been covered by couchsurfing and staying in hostels.  But these things are too temporary to count as 'home.'

I've been thinking alot about what home really means, because just having a place to shower and sleep doesn't really fit the bill.  I think a home for me is where there is someone to share my life with on equal, reciprocal terms.  This is why my parent's house doesn't really work as a home for me anymore: my parents are partnered with eachother and my mom doesn't really have attention to share my life with me the way she used to.  This is why, even though we moved around all the time and even got thrown out of a couple places, I didn't feel homeless when Max and I were traveling together earlier this year.

Physically, I have as of yet spent very few nights (however, including last night) sleeping outside like a normal homeless person.  At this, I have some friends who would of course rather I stay with them for a night than sleep in plaza del congresso, but seriously, I don't  know why but I don't want to be a guest or a visitor right now, I guess I'm just tired of it.  You could say it's dangerous, but nobody ever fucks with me because I'm 194cm white guy wearing aviators.

I'm just going to tell you what's going on

I'm going to try something new here.  Last year at this time, I had undiagnosed type 1 diabetes and, if you want to call it as such, clinical depression.  But I didn't say anything about what my life was like.  This year I feel almost as bad, but I'm going to try sharing instead of keeping silent.  My parent's old shrink Dr. Paul says anniversaries are big, subconcious drivers of emotion.  I wonder what this is the anniversary of, besides last year.

The only thing Chris McCandles did wrong was going all alone.

I'm not scared

I'm not scared of humiliation or of not surviving!  I am still alive this morning I have every reason to belive that this will continue!  I am remarkably well connected to the world and many beautiful people in it!

some thoughts on meaninglessness

I half tried some textbroker.com stuff but I gave it all up quickly
because it made my brain feel dead.
I think I'm worried that if I did it much, I might start to think in
search-engine-optomese, which is essentially meaninglessness
masquerading as meaningfulness.
I am way to insecure about meaning to risk thinking my thoughts have
become meaningless;
I think if I thought that I would be crazy.

"I have this weird thing about the bathroom that probably explains why I'm vegetarian."
-Kayleigh

"You gotta decide what winning is to you, and do that a bunch."
-Megan

a little scared, actually

"You ate, like, All the cheese."
-Maho